Sunday, March 20, 2016



Milianah
By Alphonse Daudet
Translated by James F. Gaines

Translator’s Foreword: Among all the admirable gifts Alphonse Daudet possessed as a writer lurked at least one horrible flaw: he was anti-semitic. It is unclear if he acquired this prejudice from his childhood environment, from some slights he felt he suffered in his early days in journalism, or from the atmosphere of the lofty government ministries of the Second Empire where he became a favorite – perhaps all three. Even more unfortunately, it imprinted itself on his family, for his son Léon became a vicious hater of Jews who involved himself in the Dreyfus Affair on the wrong side, slandered the Jewish French prime minister Léon Blum, and sided with the pro-Nazi Vichy government during the Occupation. I have chosen not to bowdlerize or mitigate Daudet’s anti-Jewish attitude in the following piece for two reasons. Firstly, it is my impression from the Jewish intellectuals around me that they do not prefer to cover up the injustices done them under a doily of false delicacy, but rather to probe deeply into the reasons and motives for such wrongs in order to assure that they will not happen again. Secondly, I feel that Daudet’s thinking was not entirely an individual phenomenon, but part of a larger colonialist discourse that remains to be fully examined, as it may affect the course of history in our own times. Further, I feel this story is of special interest because, though it has been largely neglected by nineteenth-century and colonial period scholars, it offers observations – however stilted – on the phenomenon of clashes that occur when an occidental, constitutional system of law is superimposed on an indigenous system operating on religious and ethnic models, with the result that both systems tend to degrade each other and to provide disservice to the public.
***


     On this occasion, I invite you to come spend a day in a pretty Algerian town hundreds of miles from my mill in Provence. It will give us a change of scenery from the tambourines and the cicadas of that place.
Rain is on the way, the sky is overcast and the peak of Mount Zaccar is wrapped in mist. A dreary Sunday. In my cozy hotel room overlooking the old Arab fortifications, I try to distract myself by chain-smoking. I’ve gone over the entire library at my disposal in the hotel: a huge, detailed registry book and a few comic romances by Paul de Kock. Discovering a mismatched volume of Montaigne, I open and reread his magnificent letter on the death of his friend Étienne de la Boétie. It leaves me plunged deeper in somber reverie than before. A few drops of rain have begun to fall. Each one, falling on the window sill, creates a star in the dust that’s accumulated since last year’s rainy season. The book slips from my hands and I sink into a prolonged contemplation of those melancholy stars. Two o’clock sounds on the municipal clock mounted on the white wall of the tomb of a local Muslim saint. The poor old mausoleum! Who could have told him thirty years ago that today he would have a big clock stuck in his chest and that every Sunday it would send out the signal to the Christian churches in Milianah that they should ring vespers? Ding, dong, there they go, and it’s going to last a long while. This room is getting really depressing. Those fat morning spiders called Deep Thoughts have spun their webs in every corner. Let’s get out of here.
     I emerge into the central square. The regimental band of the Third Infantry, unafraid of a few drops of rain, is moving into place around its conductor. In a window in the Officers’ Quarters, the general appears with his daughters. In the square, the chief of police strolls back and forth with the chief judge. A gaggle of half-naked Arab urchins shriek out as they play marbles in a corner. Further on, an old Jew in rags comes out to search for the sunny spot he had left there the previous day and he is mystified that he cannot find it. “And a one, and a two, and a three!” The band launches into a tired mazurka by Talexy that hurdy-gurdies had played in the alleyways years before. That tune used to annoy me to no end, but on this occasion it moves me to tears.
     Oh, how happy they are, those musicians in the Third Infantry brass band. Their eyes glued to the notes in front of them on the music holders, intoxicated by the tempo, they think of nothing but counting their measures. Their entire soul is laid out on that square of paper hardly bigger than my hand, trembling on the instrument in its copper clip. “One, two three, hit it!” That amounts to everything for those boys. The patriotic tunes they play never make them homesick. Alas, not being a part of the band, I get disturbed by the melodies and I walk on…
     Where, oh, where could I while away this grey Sunday afternoon? Right! Sid’Omar’s place is open. Let’s go visit Sid’Omar.
     Although he has an open-air shop, Sid’Omar is no shop-keeper. He’s a prince of the blood royal, son of the former Dey of Algiers who was strangled by his Turkish guards. His father dead, Sid’Omar took refuge in Milianah with his beloved mother and lived there for a number of years like a lordly philosopher surrounded by his dogs, his falcons, his horses and his wives, in a comfortable shady mansion brimming with orange trees and fountains. Then came the French. At first our enemy and an ally of the insurgent chieftain Abd el-Kader, Sid’Omar eventually quarreled with the rebels and submitted to the colonial authorities. Out of revenge, the rebel leader burst into Milianah, pillaged his palace, tore out the orange trees, stole his horses and his wives, and all but decapitated his mother with the lid of a huge wooden trunk. Sid’Omar’s anger was terrible. That very instant, he became an active agent of the French, and we never had a more ferocious soldier at our service during the arduous struggle against the natives. Once the war was over, Sid’Omar settled again in Milianah. Yet even today, if one mentions Abd el-Kader, he grows pale and his eyes fill with fire.
     Sid’Omar is sixty. Despite old age and smallpox, his face remains handsome: thick lashes, a woman’s complexion, a charming smile and a princely air. Impoverished by the colonial wars, he lost all his former wealth except a farm in the plains of Chélif and a townhouse in Milianah, where he lives among the merchants and keeps track of his three grown sons. The native leaders from miles around hold him in great respect. Whenever a dispute arises, they appeal to him right away for arbitration, and his word is almost always law. He seldom leaves home. Each afternoon he sits in his store-front on a rug overlooking the busy street. The white-washed room is sparsely furnished with a circular wooden bench, some cushions, a few hookahs and two brasiers. There Sid’Omar holds audience and dispenses justice. Solomon in a store-front.
     This Sunday the space is packed. A dozen sheiks draped in their burnous robes crouch around the room, each with a hookah nearby and a small glass of dense coffee sitting in a finely-wrought metal holder. When I come in, none of them reacts. From his seat of judgment, Sid’Omar shows me his most gracious smile and beckons me with his hand to sit at his side on a cushion of golden silk. Then, with a finger to his lips, he bids me be silent and heedful.
     The case is this way: the leader of the Beni Zougzoug clan having a dispute with a Jew from Milianah over the property rights to a lot, the two parties resolve to submit the matter to Sid’Omar and to abide by his decision. The matter has been put on the docket that very day, witnesses already duly summoned, when the Jew up and changes his mind, walks into court all alone and without supporting testimony, declaring that he would rather involve the French colonial magistrate than Sid’Omar. That’s how it stands when I arrive.
The old, grimy-bearded Jew wears a maroon jacket, blue stockings and a velvet skullcap. He raises his nose up to the heavens, rolls his eyes in supplication, kisses Sid’Omar’s slippers, inclines his head, joins his hands, and kneels. My Arabic is a bit rusty but from the Jew’s pantomime and his constant refrain of “Frensh zhudge, Frensh zhudge,” I can guess the tenor of his eloquent statement.
     “I doubt not the word of Sid’Omar. Sid’Omar is wise. Sid’Omar is just. But the Frensh zhudge can handle this matter more suitably.”
     Though inwardly irate, the listener nevertheless remains impassive, true to his Arab nature. Slouching on his cushions, his eyes half-closed, the amber mouthpiece of the water pipe in his lips, Sid’Omar, god of irony, smiles as he pays attention. All at once in the middle of a most finely turned conclusion, the Jew is interrupted by an outburst of “Carramba!” that stops him in his tracks. At that instant a Spanish colonist who had come as witness for the sheik rises from his seat and advances on this Judas Iscariot. He splatters the Jew with a bucketful of insults in every language and style, including certain French phrases too filthy, sir, for me to repeat in this account. Sid’Omar’s son, who understands the idiom of Paris, blushes to hear such terms in the presence of his father and rushes out of the room. That tells you something about an Arab upbringing. The arbitrator is still impassive, smiling away. The Jew gets on his feet and sidles backwards towards the door, shaking with fear but still intoning his interminable “Frensh Zhudge… Frensh Zhudge.” As he exits, the furious Spaniard leaps after him , catches up with him in the street, and punches him twice in the face – biff! baff! Judas drops to his knees and hides his head in his arms. The Spaniard comes back into the store-front with a hang-dog look. As soon as he has gone away, the Jew hops back up and casts a suspicious gaze on the motley crowd that has gathered around him. There are people of every color there, Maltese, Balearic Islanders, blacks, Arabs, all united in their hatred of the Jews and overjoyed to see one of them roughed up. Judas hesitates a second and then grabs an Arab by the edge of his burnous.
     “You saw him, Ahmed, you saw him. You were there. The Christian attacked me. You will be my witness. Yes, yes! You will serve as my witness.”
     The Arab pulls away from his grasp and shoves him off. He knows nothing. He sees nothing. At the crucial moment his head was pointing in another direction.
     “But you, Kadour, you saw it. You saw the Christian assault me,” cries the unfortunate Judas to a fat black fellow who had been peeling a prickly pear.
     The black man spits as a sign of scorn and hurries off. He saw nothing. Neither did the little Maltese whose eyes burn like hot coals underneath his headband. That Minorcan woman with skin red as a brick, she didn’t see anything either, and she runs off laughing, balancing a basket of grenadines on her head.
In vain, the Jew pleads, implores, gesticulates. No one has seen anything. No witnesses. By chance, two of his tribe appear at that moment, their eyes lowered, skittering along the walls. The Jew spots them.
     “Quick! Quick, my friends! To the agent! To the Frensh zhudge! You two saw it. You saw how he battered an old man.”
     And did they ever see it!
     Back at Sid’Omar’s place there is a flurry of activity. Hookahs are relit, coffee cups are refilled. Everyone chats and laughs out loud. It’s such a hoot to see a Jew get thrashed! I make my way discreetly though the smoke and the brouhaha. I feel like prowling over to the Jewish quarter to see how Judas’s tribe is reacting to the mistreatment of their brother.
     “Come dine with me, moussiou,” Sid’Omar calls after me.
     I accept with thanks. I’m back on the street.
     In the Jewish quarter, everyone is running this way and that. Word has already gotten around. Not a merchant is in his stall, not a tailor, not an embroiderer, not a leather worker. The whole tribe of Israel has taken to the streets, the men in their skullcaps and blue stockings in noisy, arm-waving clusters, the women with faces framed in black fabric, shifting from one group to another, pale, stiff, and red-eyed, calling out like cats. The second I arrive, the crowd stirs, piles together, and rushes forward. Supported by the shoulders of his witnesses, the Jew who is the hero of this adventure hobbles between a double hedge of skullcaps amid a shower of encouragement.
     “Avenge yourself, brother. Avenge us. Avenge the Jewish nation. Fear not. The law is on your side.”
     A hideous dwarf redolent of pitch and old hides approaches me sighing in a piteous manner. “You see,” he tells me, “We poor Jews. You see how they treat us. Look, he’s an elderly man. They nearly killed him.”
To speak the truth, poor old Judas seems more dead than alive. Eyes vacant, face distressed, dragging along rather than walking, he passes by. Only a hefty judgment against the wrongdoer will be capable of curing him. So they don’t take him to the doctor, but instead to the colonial agent.
     Algeria is full of colonial agents. They teem like locusts. Business seems very good for them. One of the greatest advantages is that you can step right into that job without tests, without degrees, without bond, without training. Just as in Paris you can magically become a Man of Letters, in Algeria you can magically become a colonial agent. All you need is a passing acquaintance with the French, Spanish, and Arabic languages, a fat volume that passes as a legal code, and above all the right professional attitude.
The functions of a colonial agent are diverse. Barrister, solicitor, salesman, consultant, interpreter, bookkeeper, sub-contractor, public scribe, all at once or one at a time, he’s the colonial equivalent of Moliere’s Maître Jacques from The Miser, doing anything and everything. Except Molière’s miser had only one Maître Jacques in his employ, while the colony has a lot more than it could ever conceivably need. In Milianah alone, you can find dozens of them. Usually, to keep a low overhead, these gentlemen meet with their clients in a cafe on the main square and give their advice between the coffee and the liqueur – but do they ever really give it?.
     Thus, it is towards the café on the main square that Judas and his witnesses proceed. Let us not accompany them further.
     Leaving the Jewish quarter, I pass by the entrance to the Bureau of Arab Affairs. From the outside, with its tricolor flag waving and its neat red tile roof, you could take it for a house along the Rhone. I know the interpreter, so let’s go have a smoke with him. Cigarette by cigarette, I’ll manage to finally finish off this sunless Sunday.
     The courtyard in front of the Bureau is jammed with ragged Arabs. At least fifty of them squat along walls in their robes. Though open to the weather, this Bedouin waiting area reeks of human hide. Hurry up. In the office I find the interpreter dealing with two braying idiots who seem naked but for a layer of greasy cloth. They are acting out some crazy story about a stolen string of prayer beads. I sit on a mat in the corner to watch. It’s a really classy uniform, that of the interpreter in the Bureau of Arab Affairs, and this interpreter wears it really well. They seem to be made for each other. The uniform is sky blue with black embroidery and shiny gold buttons. The interpreter has curly blond locks and a rosy complexion, a handsome cavalry man full of fun and imagination. A bit talkative, but then, he speaks so many languages. A bit skeptical, but then, he knew Ernest Renan back at the Oriental Institute. Quite a sports enthusiast, as much at ease in a native camp as at the Chief of Police’s receptions. Whirls a girl around the dance floor better than anyone and whips up a mean plate of couscous all by himself. In sum, a Parisian. That’s my man, and no wonder the ladies go wild about him. For a dandy, he has only one rival in these parts, the sergeant of the Bureau of Arab Affairs. That Beau Brummel, with his custom-tailored tunic and his spats with mother-of-pearl buttons, is the envy of the entire garrison. On special assignment in the service and absolved of all menial tasks, he parades daily through the streets with white gloves and a fresh haircut, carrying folders of important-looking documents under his arm. He is feared and respected. He is the embodiment of authority.
     This case of the stolen beads seems to be dragging out. Goodbye. I won’t wait for the end.
     On the way out I find the waiting area all stirred up. The crowd presses in around a tall native man, pale, proud, and robed in black. A week ago, near Mount Zaccar, this man fought with a leopard. He killed the leopard, but not before it chewed off half his arm. Morning and evening, he comes to have his wound dressed at the Bureau of Arab Affairs, and each time they stop him in the courtyard to make him recount his story. He speaks slowly with a fine, deep voice. Every so often he opens the folds of his burnous to expose the bloody bandages around his left arm in a sling against his chest.
     No sooner do I reach the street than I’m caught in a violent downpour. Rain, thunder, lightning, desert wind. Quick, find shelter. I slip into the first doorway I come to and find myself in a batch of homeless wretches heaped together under the arcades of a Moorish courtyard. Belonging to the central mosque of Milianah, this courtyard is the habitual refuge of the Muslim rabble and is called the Paupers’ Court.
Big, emaciated hounds covered with fleas and lice start to approach me with hostile looks. I lean against a pillar in the gallery and try to appear unaffected, as I watch the raindrops ricochet across the colored tiles of the courtyard. The homeless are lying in clumps on the ground. Nearby a young woman, nearly beautiful, with bare breasts and legs and thick iron rings on her wrists and ankles, sings a strange melody composed of three nasal notes. As she sings, she suckles a naked infant colored like dark bronze, while, with her free hand, she grinds barley in a stone mortar. Driven by nasty gusts of wind, the rain periodically drenches the infant’s body and the mother’s legs, but she pays no attention and continues the song, while giving her breast and crushing the grains.
     The storm peters out. Taking advantage of a clear moment, I hasten to leave this beggars’ court and head for Sid’Omar’s dinner. It’s high time. Crossing the main square, I again run into the same old Jew from earlier in the day. He’s leaning on the shoulder of his colonial agent. His witnesses file along joyfully behind him. A flock of nasty Jewish kids scramble around them. Their faces are all glowing. The colonial agent has taken the matter under advisement: he’s asking for a settlement of 2000 francs in damages.
     At Sid’Omar’s house, a sumptuous dinner. The dining room opens onto a Moorish courtyard where several fountains are babbling. An excellent Turkish meal right out of Baron Brisse’s cookbook. Among other things, there are chicken with almonds, vanilla-flavored couscous, meat pies (a bit heavy but with exquisite taste), and honey pastries. For wine, nothing but champagne. Despite Muslim law, Sid’Omar partakes a bit – when the servants’ backs are turned . After dinner, we proceed to our host’s sitting room, where hookahs, coffee, and more sweets are brought in. The furnishings in this room are as simple as can be, a divan, some woven mats, and in the background, a big, high bed with two small red cushions embroidered in gold thread. On the wall hangs an antique Turkish painting depicting the exploits of a certain Admiral Hamadi. It seems in Turkey the artists only paint with one color per canvas, so this one’s painted green. Sea, sky, ships, and even Admiral Hamadi himself are green as can be.
     Arab custom dictates that one should retire early. The coffee drunk, the pipes smoked, I bid farewell to my host and leave him to his wives.
     Where should I finish the evening? Too early to go to bed. The bugles of the spahi troops have not yet sounded taps. Anyway, the golden arabesques of Sid’Omar’s abode are still dancing around in my head and would keep me awake. Here I am in front of the theater, so let’s go in.
     The theater in Milianah is a former storage barn more or less disguised as a house of entertainment. Crude oil lamps that are replenished at intermission do the job of chandeliers. The low price seats are not seats at all, but standing room, and the better seats are on a bench. The highest price seats are very exclusive because they have actual chairs stuffed with straw. All around the theater runs a long, dark corridor without flooring. You might as well be outside, it’s all the same. The night’s performance has already begun when I arrive. To my great surprise, the actors are not half bad, at least the men; they have enthusiasm and sincerity. Almost all are acting amateurs, soldiers from the Third Infantry. The regiment is proud of them and applauds them whole-heartedly every evening.
     As for the ladies, alas, it is always the same question of the eternal distaff side of provincial theaters, pretentious, exaggerated, and phony. Nevertheless, there are two among them that interest me , two Jewish girls from Milianah, still quite fresh to the profession. Their families are in the audience and can’t get enough of them. They have convinced themselves their little girls will bring in millions of sheckels in this racket. The legend of the great Jewish millionaire actress Rachel has already begun to spread among the children of Israel all over the Mediterranean.
     Nothing could be more tender and comical than those little Jewish girls on the boards. They shrink timidly back at one corner of the stage, powdered, rouged, low-cut and rigid. They are cold and a bit ashamed. Once in a while they spit out a line without understanding it and while they are speaking their big Hebraic eyes scan the house in a stupor.
     I leave the theater. Amidst the surrounding shadows, I notice cries from a corner of the square. It must be a couple of Maltese settling scores with knives.
     I slowly head back towards the hotel along the ramparts. A heady fragrance of orange blossoms and juniper berries rises from the plains. The air is soft, the sky nearly cloudless. There at the end of the path looms a ghostly old wall, the remnant of some nearly forgotten temple. The spot is still sacred; Arab women come there every day to hang little charms and effigies, fragments of old robes or scarves, plaited tresses of reddish hair bound with silver thread, strips of unknown cloth. They all flutter in a thin moonbeam, blown by the warm night air.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

The Three Low Masses

A Christmas Story

By Alphonse Daudet

Translated by James F. Gaines

          “Two stuffed turkeys, Garrigou?”
          “Yes, reverend father, two magnificent turkeys stuffed with truffles.  I know all about it, since it was I who helped stuff them.  You would have thought their skin was going to crack in the roasting, it was so tight…”
          “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, and I love truffles so much!  Quick, hand me my surplice, Garrigou.  And besides the turkeys, what else did you see in the kitchen?”
          “Oh, all kinds of wonderful things.  Since noon we’ve been doing nothing but plucking pheasants, grouse, game hens.  There were feathers everywhere.  Then from the pond they brought trout, golden carp, eels…”
          “How big were the trout, Garrigou?”
          “Big as this, reverend father, enormous!” he declared, spreading his arms wide.
          “Oh, my God, I can just see them.  Have you put the wine in the cruets?”
          “Yes, reverend father, I’ve put wine in the cruets.  But by golly, it’s not as good as the wine you’ll be drinking as soon as the midnight mass is over.  If you could see the castle banquet hall and all the pitchers filled with wine gleaming in so many colors!  And the silverware, and the lace, and the flowers and candlesticks!  There’ll never be the like of this Christmas feast.  Milord the marquis has invited all the nobility of the countryside.  You’ll be at least forty at table, not counting the bailiff and the notary.  Ah, you’re so fortunate to be invited, reverend father!  Why, just from having sniffed those turkeys once, the aroma of the truffles follows me everywhere.  Yum!”
          Come now, come now, my boy.  Let us not succumb to the sin of gluttony, especially on the night of Christ’s birth!  Rush out now and light the candles on the altar and sound the first bells for mass, for midnight is approaching fast and we must not be late.”
          This conversation took place one Christmas night in the year of our Lord sixteen hundred something between the reverend father Balaguère, formerly prior of the Barnabite abbey and presently appointed chaplain to the house of Trinquelage, and his altar boy Garrigou, or at any rate the one he took for his altar boy Garrigou, for you’ll see that the Devil that night had taken on the round face and plain looks of the little sacristan the better to lead the priest into temptation and to make him commit the heinous sin of gluttony.  Therefore, while the so-called Garrigou (ha hah!) rang the bells of the castle chapel with all his might, the reverend father finished putting on his chasuble in the tiny sacristy.  His mind already troubled by the descriptions of all those gastronomic wonders, he repeated to himself while dressing: “Roast turkey with stuffing, golden carps, trout as big as this!”
          Outside the howling wind swept over the music of the bells and gradually folks appeared around the base of Mount Ventoux, beneath the ancient towers of the castle of Trinquelage.  It was the peasant families of the neighborhood coming to hear midnight mass.  They scaled the steep slopes in groups of five or six, with the father in front holding a lantern, the women wrapped in their great gray mantles where the children huddled to shelter from the wind.  Despite the hour and the cold, all those good souls marched happily, sustained by the thought that when the mass was over there would be, as every year, a table set for them downstairs in the kitchens.  From time to time a nobleman’s carriage rumbled up the rocky road, preceded by footmen with torches, its glass windows flashing in the moonlight.  Or else a mule trotted up, tinkling with bells, and in the brightness of the firebrands surrounded by smoke the peasants would recognize their bailiff and hail him as he passed, “Good evening, Mister Arnoton!”  And he would answer, “Good evening to you, friends.”
          The night was crystal clear, the stars twinkling in the cold.  The breeze was penetrating and sparse flurries landed on the clothes without dampening them, faithfully preserving the tradition of a white Christmas.  High up on the mountainside the castle loomed as their goal, with its enormous mass of turrets, spires, and gables, and the bell tower rising in the inky sky.  A myriad of little lights came and went and flashed in the windows against the dark background of the buildings like sparkles from the ashes of burning papers.  Over the drawbridge and inside past the postern gate, the visitors on their way to the chapel crossed the outer courtyard full of carriages, sedan chairs, porters, and footmen, all lit up by the torches and the lights from the kitchen.  They could hear the clanking of  roasting forks, the rattle of pots and pans, the clink of crystal goblets and silverware as the feast was prepared.  A rising warm fragrance, carrying the hints of roasting meats and elaborate sauces met the peasants, as it did the chaplain, and the bailiff, and everyone else, making them say, “What a fine supper we will have this night after mass!”
         
          “Ding-a-ling!  Ding-a-ling!” The midnight mass was about to begin.  In the castle chapel, a veritable miniature cathedral with vaulted arches and old chestnut paneling the height of the walls, the tapestries had been hung all around and the candles lighted.  What a crowd!  And what splendid clothes!  First of all, here in the sculpted stalls around the choir were the the Lord of Trinquelage dressed in pink taffeta and all his invited friends of the nobility.  Facing them, at prayer stands upholstered in velvet, were the old dowager marquise in robe of scarlet brocade and the young Lady of Trinquelage, her hair dressed in a tower of fine lace in the latest fashion of the royal court.  Further down sat the bailiff Thomas Arnoton and the notary Mister Ambroy, dressed in black with vast wigs over their clean-shaven faces, two solemn notes in the symphony of colorful silks and damask.  Then came the grave butlers, the pages, the gamekeepers, the overseers, and Mistress Barbara, chief maid of the establishment, with all the castle keys hung on a chain of fine silver.  Lower still, on benches, sat the rank and file of servants, the cleaning and cooking staffs, and the peasant farmers with their families, and finally, way down by the door that they opened and closed very discreetly, the kitchen boys who came up between two sauces to breath in a little air of the mass and brought a whiff of the feast into the festive church, warmed by innumerable candles. 
          Was it the sight of their little white caps that so distracted the priest?  Or perhaps it was Garrigou’s hand bells, those crazy little hand bells going ting-a-ling at the foot of the altar with such infernal haste, always seeming to say, “Let’s go, hurry up; the sooner we’re finished, the quicker we sit down to table!”
          The fact was that every time those bells rang – those diabolical bells – the priest forgot all about his mass and could think of nothing but dinner.  He imagined the cooks running about mumbling to each other, the great chimneys lit up like a forge, the steam rising from the covered pots, and in the midst of that divine mist two magnificent turkeys stuffed and stretched to the bursting point, chock full of truffles.
          Or else he saw in his mind’s eye a procession of pages carrying in the dishes enveloped in tempting aromas, and he followed them into the banqueting hall prepared for the meal.  Oh, wonders!  There was the immense, illuminated table groaning with fare.  Roast peacocks dressed in their plumes, pheasants served up with their wings stretched out as if to fly away, pitchers of wine glittering like rubies, pyramids of fruits popping out between green leaves, and those fantastic fish Garrigou had mentioned (ah, yes, little Garrigou!), resting on a bed of fennel greens, their scales pearly as though they had just emerged from the water, with little herb bouquets stuffed in their sea-monster nostrils.  The vision of all these marvels seemed so utterly real to Father Balaguère that they might have been served to him right there on the lace napkins of the altar.  Two or three times, he caught himself saying, instead of “Dominus vobiscum,”  “Bless us now for what we are about to receive…”  Apart from these little lapses, however, the good father recited his mass very conscientiously, without omitting a single line or genuflection, and thus, all went well for the first service, for as you know, on Christmas day the officiating priest must saw not one, not two, but three consecutive low masses.
          “One down!” muttered the chaplain with a sigh of relief.  Then, without taking a second to rest, he signaled to his altar boy – or the one he took for his altar boy – and “Ding-a-ling! Ding-a-ling!” the second mass began.  And with it began the sin of Father Balaguère.
          “Hurry up! Faster!” cried out the sharp little bells in Garrigou’s hand and each time the wretched priest, abandoning himself to the demon of gluttony, tore into the missal and devoured pages at a time in the grip of his over-excited appetite.  Frantically he knelt and rose, swished off signs of the cross and genuflected like a bobber, shortening each gesture to get through more quickly.  He barely reached out his hands for the Gospel, tapped his chest for the Confiteor.  Between him and the altar boy it was a race to see who could mumble the lines faster.  Verses and responses went neck and neck, bumping into each other down the stretch.  Words half pronounced without even opening the mouth (too much delay!) ended in incomprehensible syllables.
          “Oremus ps ps ps ps.”
          “Mea culpa pa pa pa.”
          Like harvesters hurrying to stomp the grapes in the vat, the officiants splashed through the Latin of the mass, sending spattered bits flying in all directions.
          “Dum..scum!” said Balaguère.
          “’Stutto!” answered Garrigou.
          And through it all there was that damned little bell tinkling in his ears, like the bells they put on the feet of post horses to make them gallop all the faster.  You can imagine that at that rate the second low mass was over in no time.
          “Two down!” puffed the breathless chaplain, and without taking a breath, red in the face, sweating like a laborer, he ran down the steps of the altar and “Ding-a-ling! Ding-a-ling!” the third low mass began. 
          The banqueting hall was only a few steps away, but, alas! As the time for dinner grew near, the  bedeviled priest found himself carried away by a folly of impatience and gluttony.  His vision pierced the walls.  The golden carp, the roasted turkeys, they were there, right there! He could touch them.  He could even… Oh, God! The dishes reeked with aroma, the wines made him giddy, and the little bell shaking in a frenzy cried out to him, “Quicker still! Oh, hurry, now.” 
          But how could he go faster yet?  His lips were barely moving as it was.  He wasn’t even pronouncing words.  Unless he could cheat the Good Lord completely and steal his mass.  And that’s just what he did, the wretch!  From one temptation to another, he started by skipping just one verse, then two.  The Epistle being too long, he simply cut it off.  He passed by the Credo without even looking, skipped “Our Father,” gave a distant wave to the preface, and launched himself full speed into eternal damnation.  The whole time he was aided by that dirty Garrigou (Get back, Satan!), who assisted with malicious intent, brushing his chasuble, turning pages two by two or three by three, bumping into the lectern, spilling from the cruets, and ceaselessly shaking those little bells ever stronger and more and more rapidly. 
          You should have seen the faces of the stunned parishioners!  Forced to mimic their way through a mass where they could not understand a single word, half rose when the other half knelt or sat down while the others rose.  All the parts of this unusual ceremony landed in a jumble of conflicting gestures among the crowd in the pews.  The Christmas star en route through the heavens toward a little stable must have blushed in horror over this confusion.
          “The priest is going too fast.  It’s impossible to follow him,” murmured the old dowager marquise as she shook her locks in distraction.
          Mister Arnoton, his big steel-framed glasses on his nose, searched through his prayer book to find out where the dickens they could be.  But in the end, all those good people, who were also thinking of feasting, were not so unhappy that the mass was charging along like cavalry.  So when Father Balaguère turned with a beaming countenance and announced to the faithful with all his remaining strength, “Ite, missa est,” they answered with one voice, “Thanks be to God,” in a chorus so joyfully and thunderously filling the chapel that one would think they were already answering the first toast of the dinner.

          Five minutes later, the assembly of nobles sat in the great hall, the chaplain in the midst of them.  The castle, illuminated from moat to turret, echoed with songs, shouts, laughter, and conversation.  The venerable Father Balaguère planted his fork into a drumstick of grouse, drowning his remorse in a torrent of Chateauneuf-du-Pape and succulent meat juices.  The saintly man ate and drank so much that he died in the middle of the night in one awful attack, without so much time as to mutter a repentance.  Thus, the next morning he arrived before the pearly gates with his head still buzzing from the frivolity of the evening, and I’ll just let you imagine how he was received. 
          “Get thee from my sight, you fallen Christian!” said the sovereign Lord, master of us all.  “Your sin is great enough to wipe out a whole life of virtue.  Why you stole a mass from me!  Very well, you’ll pay with three thousand in its place.  You won’t enter the gates of paradise until you’ve celebrated in your little chapel each one of those three thousand masses in the presence of all those renegades who fell into sin because of you and share your disgrace.”
          Voilà! That’s the true legend of Father Balaguère as they tell it down among the olive groves of Provence.  Today the castle of Trinquelage no longer exists, but its chapel still remains on the slopes of Mount Ventoux in a stand of live oaks.  The wind slams its crooked door and grass grows in the entrance.  Birds nest in the stone arches whose stained glass windows have long disappeared.  Nevertheless, it seems that each Christmas Eve, a supernatural light wanders through the ruins, as today’s farmers on their way to church or to family gatherings notice this ghostly chapel lit up by invisible candles glowing in the open air, unaffected even by the snow or the raging wind.  You can laugh if you like, but a wine-grower of the region by the name of Garrigue, probably a descendant of the aforesaid Garrigou, swore to me that one Christmas Eve, finding himself three sheets to the wind, he got lost in the brush on the mountainside near Trinquelage.  And this is what he saw.  Until eleven o’clock, not a sound.  Everything was quiet, deserted, almost lifeless.  Suddenly around midnight the belfry up in the chapel began to ring – an ancient sound of bells that seemed to come from fifty miles away.  Soon, on the path leading up the mountain, Garrigue saw the swinging of lanterns in the midst of vague, shadowy shapes.  In the entry of the chapel there was movement and a voice whispered, “Good evening, Mister Arnoton!”  Another answered, “Good evening, my friends.”
          When all the shapes had entered the chapel, my brave wine-grower friend crept softly up and looked in through the broken door at an incredible spectacle.  All the people he had seen go in were grouped around the choir in the ruined sanctuary, as though the old benches were still there.  Pretty ladies in brocade with lace hairdos, gentlemen done up in silk from top to bottom, and peasants in embroidered jackets like great-great-grandfather wore.  All of them seemed old, faded, dusty, and tired.  From time to time the night-owls that now live in the chapel, disturbed by the lights, swooped around the candle flames that burned straight but curiously dimmed, as though filtered through a curtain of gauze.  What most amused Garrigue is that a certain poor fool with steel-framed glasses was continually shaking his big black wig to dislodge one of the owls which had gotten its talons stuck in the hair and flapped its big wings in an effort to get away. 

          In the background a little old man with a child-like body, inside the communion rail, was desperately shaking a mute hand bell without a clapper.  Meanwhile a priest, dressed in faded gold, came and went before the altar, reciting prayers whose words were impossible to decipher.  It must certainly have been Father Balaguère hurrying through his third low mass.